beginning

Another week of home packed salads for lunch and a package of hot dogs for dinner (I allow myself two).

Eating alone.

I chose this because it allows me to announce to my superiors that if life at the office becomes unreasonable I will hand them my resignation; learn to clean toilets & mop floors as a custodial engineer.

They do not see the humor.

He too understands that value of objects and possessions;
what greater possession than it is to ‘own’ someone else’s fate?

To understand how to control an individual as you would your own being (another dilemma).

That is why you cannot judge a person by the clothes they wear and the things they own;
it does not define their character / class / credentials.


When I dress to work; I work.
When I dress to party; I party.

When I am dressed to work defines my demeanor; it makes me demure but rarely demur.

I want to talk about role – playing.

It was evident during the NBA finals that a team with players that understood their role won championships. Steve Kerr exemplifies a role – player. Grahame Lloyd did for the champion NY Yankees in the late 90’s.

For whatever reason, I am exposed to a lot of parents / coaches / teachers. Speaking, well mostly listening to them reminded me of a lesson from "Leadership for Dummies" by Marshall Loeb.
The author wrote about how many coaches do not teach players to understand and accept the importance of their role / basic skills.

Everyone wants to be a superstar.

I must sound like a hypocrite because I am always preaching about developing one-self.

“In most sports, it is better to master one skill than to unsuccessfully attempt multiple skills.”

However.

“You want your team members to concentrate on mastering their own skills, but you also want them to learn how to help their teammates . . .”

Fulfilling your role on the team (corporate, family, universe)

It is what James Redfield wrote about in his "Celestine Prophecy".
It is what Stanley Bing described in "Throwing the Elephant: Zen and the Art of Managing Up".

Style.
Substance.
The Way.

** yes, I should have started keeping a journal sooner. Oh well!

Last week I was talking with Ollie about exercising to the point of exhaustion.
Pushing the body to newer plateaus.

I tore my ACL three years ago.
Learned to swim at Stevens.
Had surgery.

Then there was that time; around the time of my birthday. When I lost Cristina M..

The weekend around midnight, I snuck into the pool at the gym in the dark. My goal was 200 laps. I must been about ninety when I consciously made the decision to Stop. I knew proceeding meant I was not going to leave that night.

Along the way / In that time, I was able to put into word why / how much I adore this girl. This girl almost a decade my junior. This girl I was willing to forsake everyone else for in my life.

Had Oral surgery – bled a lot – passed out twice.
Gotten into numerous accidents.
More running around.

The mind / body heals - up to a certain point.

Had I pushed too far?

“ . . . the paradigm of loneliness comes not in the absence of others
but in the presence of other people to whom one’s own way of thinking and feeling seems alien.
It is with people who haven’t a clue what you are on about,
as you tentatively reveal your special pleasures, hopes and fears,
that the burden of being alone is felt.”

- "Conditions of Love: the philosophy of Intimacy" by John Armstrong.


Before spending time on travel with my co-worker, I was content (traveling alone).

A (t) tribute - d to the Stupid Girl

‘ hg reverses a certain approach still inherent in ones who have not been broken by life.
The spark of innocence mixed with the courage without the regret.
The drive to change your situation with idealism . . .'

Sometimes I hate myself

I am in the hunt for a painting from a not so well known Irish painter (he does have a limited following).

No talent to speak of . . .acrylic, charcoal, oil, pastel, paper, pen, photography or otherwise.



I like things / I understand the value of objects.

Whether wheat; wine; whores; words; or widgets, I have a weakness for what I like – it seems to co$t a wad of ca$h.

I am trying to live a megalomaniac lifestyle while earning nickels & dimes.

Addicts have five and ten dollar habits.

I have these splurg-gations.



Oh Well, guess I will have to cut dinner from my diet.

I have to lose some weight anyway.

“I distrust summaries, any kind of gliding through time, any too great a claim that one is in control of what one recounts; I think someone who claims that one is in control of what one recounts; I think who claims to understand but is obviously calm, someone who claims to write with emotion recollected in tranquility, is a fool or a liar. To understand is to tremble. To recollect is to reenter and be riven . . . I admire the authority of being on one’s knees in front of the event.”

- "Manipulations" by Harold Brodkey excerpt from reading "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer.

I go to the gym so I can read.

The other reason is cause I am infatuated with this girl that comes ever so often (off & on for almost two years).

je has been trying to help me sort out what it is I want.

‘Married with two and a half kids . . . ’ – why in the world would I want to settle into a banal existence with a person who in her capacity makes me feel alive?

“Show me the most beautiful women in the world and I will show you a guy tired of f*cking her.” - anonymous

Find me an understanding wife.
A mother for our children.
Someone who knows how to cook.
A women with a mature outlook.
Intelligence.
Fortitude (my rage is deadly).


A complementary companion . . she can spend a lifetime teaching me to cook, love, be patient, spontaneous . . .

It is just as well that I start at this point . . .

Cody is my ‘Favorite Little Dog’.

I had to take care of him way back when; when “T” was living in Forest Hills.

Yesterday, I had to muzzle him.

Let me explain, Little Cody excites easily . . when he barks; he gets excited to the point of hyperventilation.

As I held the muzzle in place, I could tell he was afraid.

Papa John was right. I readily admit to possess empathy (especially for the strong emotions). Sympathy eludes me.



I have spoken about ‘Not being Broken’ by life . . .
Truth is I have been broken many times, through & through . . . but those are other stories.

The lesson. I have been conditioned to do things ‘in spite of . . .’

Is the lesson lost / futile?